Recently, someone reminded me of a conversation we’d had. I had paused while they were explaining something and said, “Tell me more.” They remembered those words.
A few weeks later, a colleague was describing a problem and started to say something controversial. I heard myself answer with the same phrase. I’ve been saying it more often, and I think I know why.
The pause after the last word
In the Improving IBP program I took in 2019, one exercise asked us to wait five seconds after someone stopped speaking before we responded. It felt uncomfortable. Five seconds is a long time when a conversation goes quiet.
That pause gives the speaker a chance to add to what they just said. Reaching the end of a sentence doesn’t always mean they’ve finished their thought. It also gives me time to consider what they said instead of delivering the response I’ve been forming while they talk.
Let people finish their thought
People sometimes jump in with, “I know where you’re going with that,” or finish someone else’s sentence. I’ve done it too. More often than not, the guess is wrong. The speaker has to stop, correct me, and find their way back to the thought they were still working out.
When I catch myself doing that, I apologize and ask them to finish. I try to do it because I know how quickly I can check out when someone talks over me and keeps going with an idea that isn’t mine. It feels as if they’ve stopped listening, so I stop trying to explain.
The same thing happens in meetings when two people talk at once. One person gets heard, then the group moves on without coming back to the other. If nobody makes room for both voices, we miss part of the conversation.
Give the next person something to build on
I learned this in improv, too. In some exercises, my partner would start developing an idea while I got busy thinking up a different one. I wasn’t listening to the scene in front of me. I felt awful when I noticed.
Improv works when I listen to the end and give my partner something they can build on. Conversations work the same way. I don’t have to prepare the perfect response while the other person is speaking. I can listen, then respond to what they actually said.
I miss those improv classes, and I want to go back. Until then, “Tell me more” is a useful reminder to wait long enough to hear the whole thought.
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